The Hall of Valhalla

Bangalore Blues - Vol 3 - (Fainting)

Let me tell you this…fainting is one of those gifts from God. There are a lot of things we would have done without. The diseases for instance…Men would have died in the same pace by just killing each other or getting knocked a million different ways by machines. Then why diseases? Apart from being a pain in the wrong place, these diseases are a source of embarrassment. A bloody cold for example, you never know how a cough or a sneeze is going to turn out. It could just be the one that showcases to the world; your rich share of one of God’s crankiest creations…the phlegm. It could be one of those nerve wrecking ones that leaves you breathless and the other people handling a rush of homicidal instincts. While there is always this danger of your cough deciding not to grace the occasion with a perfect one leaving you sounding like a cross between a town bus shifting gear and a dog yelping.

On the other hand, lets consider fainting. In my opinion, fainting has always been grossly undermined of its purpose. Fainting is a message from God that roughly translates to “You’re in deep shit mate…I don’t see how you get out. So, take a break”. But men, a constant source of embarrassment to God that we are, never get this message but try our best to prevent it. And the people around the guy who faints are to be blamed too. These guys dutifully go about searching for water or soda to ‘revive’ our guy who’s just accepted the divine gift and taken a break. They get this guy out of the Shangri La violently and making him sit on the road offering a trip to the nearby hospital, which is the last place, the guy would’ve wanted to go.

Me, being a semi – veteran in fainting, would try to describe this divine gift the way I saw it. We have always wondered as kids and sometimes even now, how the world spins so fast and still we don’t see or feel a thing. Well here’s your answer for it. Fainting is a divine path through which you get to see the earth go about this intriguing business. Slowly, as the room or whatever places you get the gift starts spinning. Immediately, you are faced by self-denial about what’s happening and you are also launched into a deep thought process about just giving up or fighting it. This thought process and the confusion arising out of it actually fuels the faint process.

As you launch yourself into the magic carpet ride, you see a lot of interesting things. I have to warn you here, if you by any chance saw brief incidents of your childhood like say, your first bicycle ride or playing with your dog in a park, you better press the panic button. This is what normal people refer to as “your whole life flashes by”. Sorry to tell you, but you ain’t fainting mate! You’re dying. How you handle that is not what I can comment on, as I’m still alive.

Fainting in a room where the AC’s on is an added pleasure. As you profusely sweat during the first few minutes, the AC works with the sweat working up a cool atmosphere. As the people or furniture or in general the room start to spin with increasing acceleration, you find yourself falling into a deep crevice or space. This is supposed to be enjoyed with perfection. But it is best practices shit to just wave your arms frantically and look for a chair or table because the physical translation of this phase is you’re falling down from whatever position you are.

You hit the ground and this is the Shangri La state. The most enjoyable state which is often broken in mid-pleasure by the anti-fainting elements. This is when these guys just about manage to run and find water even in a city like Chennai within minutes. In my fainting career, I was hauled out of this state by these losers all the time. Though when you get cleared up and get settled in a bed, you feel light and drowsy, it comes a distant second to the Shangri la state.

I appeal to all of you intelligent people out there. Those of you who respect drugs and music and fun, who know the meaning of life, please don’t do this to the next faintee you encounter. On the other hand, I suggest you protect the faintee from these unscrupulous elements. I do accept this is a losing battle, which is already firmly over, and there are too many enemies. But you don’t get to faint often and when you do, you gotta get the most of it.

“And you just had some kind of mushroom,
and your mind is moving low…”
(from the Jefferson Airplane song White Rabbit)

posted by Vasanth Rao @ 7:37 pm