The Hall of Valhalla

The Rough Guide to Indian Roads - the essential techniques that MIGHT keep you alive

(only to be killed on a later day by a different ricker)

Though this could be a mammoth task - documenting the survival techniques on Indian roads, lets take this a bit 'slowly and patiently'. (two words that might not yet have been invented in the Indian road dictionary).

Before we begin, this essentially is a big city guide a la the South Indian biggies of Chennai and Bangalore, but it can be safely applied to other cities of the same size... Just be adviced to substitute the swears and insults in that particular language. And this would be a series and planning to invite guest writers. So watch this section.

• The millimetre rule: Every millimeter on the road, the divider, the platform, the ditch, the bikers' feet, drunken men sprawled on the road and so forth shall be used. Especially in signals or jams, if you saw an inch in front of you and didn't go into the routine of gearing, raising, braking and coming back to neutral, thou shall be banished to the distant planet of keepak 34z9 as a traffic police.
• The Anger condition: This is a necessary and sufficient condition. There is no such as a patient rider. And you can safely assume people who smile as retards or popes. This is a condition that helps you follow other rules easily as this is directly related to the Enemy rule; which is...
• The enemy rule: Everybody else on the road are the enemies. They have no right to be there lurking around doing nothing while you have to get to that pub in half an hour to catch that seat. But a thorough research has helped us identify a few deadly enemies.

- Share Autos : The deadliest mankind has seen. They are capable of 90 deg turns without
any warning.

~ Never... I say again, never ever take a share auto from the left. There are better suicide options~

Ricks: Its the curse on every Indian. But they have attitude. We need to conduct Formula Rick championships in different cities around the year. Imagine our movie queens as pit babes...

Water Lorry: This essentially is a Chennai centric concept that lends amazing character to the city. Strictly stay away.

Uncles: This special breed of humans safely assume that they are responsible riders (if at all there's such a thing). They hit you and you are beaten up as they are the quintessential 'saar' of the public eye and you're the rowdy.

Aunties on sunny: OK... this is a pride swallowing siege. you're on a nice 150+ CC bike and you're just out the traffic signal. and there you have a fat aunty neatly taking you on a 50CC sunny or a scooty. And what can you do? nothing. I recommend patience and self pride in being a rider who's not actually interested in petty things such as beating people on the roads.

Dogs. Well, this is an emotional thing for me... my elbow still hurts from last night's fall after a dog decided to come right in the middle look me in the eye, panic and stand rivetted while i braked, skid and fell thud! I have no recommendations.

posted by Vasanth Rao @ 9:05 am